Self Sabotage

You ever find yourself looking back on all your experiences in life that led you exactly where you are right at this moment? I mean it could be a good thing, it could be a bad thing, it could be a little of both. I’ve always been the kind of person that wanted to look at the good in everything even if it was difficult for me but there’s some things I guess you can say you never really heal from or more like it just becomes a part of who you are. I hate to feel like a victim of my past experiences, I hate using excuses to justify my behavior or just my thought process alone but how do you explain to people why you are the way you are even if they see no fault in you but you do? I don’t know sometimes I feel like I am my own worst enemy even though I love myself…well I’d like to think that I’ve mastered the art of loving myself but at the same time I really beat myself over things that may be out of my control. I think we all come a little broken but it takes the right kind of people to see that and not want to contribute to that but instead make you forget that you ever were and it’s not about fixing one another because it’s not any humans job to fix what they didn’t break but more like take into consideration that it has happened and that’s just the reality of life. Let’s just make life a little easier for one another why don’t we? …if only it was ever that simple because the problem isn’t finding people who will accept you and probably love it’s the little thing in us that doesn’t allow us to because how many times have we had a pretty good thing and not know how to fully grasp it? How many times have we ran towards the fire and later cried because we got burned? Have you ever thought about all the experiences in your life that have led up to these exact moments?! Why do we do what we do? Why do we accept things we know we really don’t want, more importantly why can’t we accept things we do want. You may not be aware of this but more often than not we ruin things before it even had a chance to blossom.

“I can’t collectively bring myself together to allow someone to enter a place in me no one has ever touched to later become another part of my life lessons, another good story to be told”

-Shadei A.

It’s sad to say but I look at myself in that kind of darkness. I’m afraid that I won’t even give myself the chance to let someone in that will make me forget of all the ugly in my life while I learn to appreciate more than anything all the beautiful. I want to think that my crappy experiences in life were lessons that have helped me grow into a better person, and I am, I’m a better for myself but I don’t know how much better I am for someone else. I had a conversation with a friend earlier this week and I said you ever wonder if we settle for less because that’s exactly how we feel about ourselves? Or maybe we just know that it will never reach its highest potential and that’s okay to us we accept it even though we may know it’s not right in our hearts because we’re afraid of it ourselves. You really never start thinking how bad you’ve had it until something half decent comes into your life and sometimes it’s too late because you trained your mind to not get too attached, to not do too much, to not fall in love. I was made to believe that I was incapable of being loved, the child in me never felt love so the adult me has allowed me to believe it’s true.

My experiences led me to be exactly where I am right at this moment. Maybe it’s not where I’m meant to be but for now it’s the only place that makes sense to me. Have you ever felt this way about yourself? Have you ever felt like you “Self Sabotage” everything because there’s a part of you that won’t let things be? Are you afraid of what you’re not use to?

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