Dear you,

I shouldn’t have to act the way i do. Clearly, never mean to …I’ve never been this way, i was never completely filled to begin with, more like half empty, i guess my point is my cup is now empty . I feel like now more than ever I’ve lost myself. I feel weak. The bad days consumed my good days, my bad became just good enough until the best parts of me, gone! always said that’d never be me, Strong is all i ever knew…That was my favorite part about myself. I was my own light even on the darkest days but that was then and now is now. I am a little broken. I’m sorry! I’m sorry that that’ll probably forever be me. I’m sorry that you never got to meet the old me.

It’s like each time around my scars show through more than the last and each time I’d just sit and hope someone would accept me just enough to love me until I learn to love myself.

…Hardest part of it all I stopped believing that that could even come true.

Untitled 🥀

How do I allow myself to feel again?

…Thought after thought of how I’ve had to glue myself back together, i was broken. The glass is barely intact, I’m barely holding on. How do you move forward with that?

Nobody really cares about your sad story and or how they become this new chapter in your life, giving a fragment of hope as we turn the page as we think to ourselves maybe this one will be better.

Maybe this is how my story ends…happy?

Sometimes it feels like every page of your past is ripped to shreds and a new one begins almost similar to the last.

The hardest part about coming back from that is knowing that you have to do it again …in order to love and be loved you have to be the rawest form of yourself. Removing brick by brick to expose your vulnerability…

When a once already broken woman breaks down her walls for you , she peals back all the layers of her strength…the strength that was built after countless nights of no sleep and where tears met her pillows. The days she woke up to become enemies with all her thoughts and memories and the hours spent alone when solitude felt like her only best friend.

…The only best friend that wouldn’t let her down.

The blessings in between the cracks.

You got to look at all the bad and the good in life and always find the blessing in between the cracks. Things happen for a reason as stupid as it sounds but it’s true and sometimes it takes days, weeks, if not years to finally understand…my days felt like years. It’s unfortunate what I’ve allowed myself to endure when I’ve always considered myself to be such a strong woman but i guess it just takes one time for it to become one more time and then finally you lose count. Despite it all, I’m still able to say that I am truly thankful for my shitty ass experience because it took for me to lose myself to find a person that I didn’t know could possibly exist and man let me tell you she’s built of strength!

You can ask me and I’ll tell you straight out something broke inside me and i mean that physically because that pain itself was real and it consumed every inch of my body, crippling me to the point i could not breathe…i couldn’t breathe for a long time.

Here is the blessing though that many people wouldn’t be able to accept because i certainly couldn’t at one point. What was slowly breaking me was the same thing that was building me up to be the woman that i didn’t know i was meant to be or maybe i did i just didn’t think it would be like this. What broke me has taught me to love myself and even more on the worst of worst days and yes I still have them, a lot of them actually, but i choose to love myself now because at the end of the day nobody is capable of giving me more than what i should be giving myself…nobody should and nobody should be saving me but me. I am my own responsibility.

It’s taught me patience and strength because as many times as i had every reason to lose my mind, i kept my feet planted to the floor…the best way i can put it is that there’s certain test in life you don’t want to pass because not all of them are meant to show your greatness only your failures. You win by failing these kind of test by not falling victim to people’s bullshit because you’ll meet people that will bully you for simply doing what you feel is right. I’ll admit i failed a few of them by doing exactly what was expected of me because what happens when you let your emotions get the best of you? …You already know but in the end when it came down to the most important one, I passed by simply walking away and that was the hardest thing i could ever do. I feel like i wasn’t meant to, all odds were against me, i wasn’t prepared but at the same time i guess you can say the hardest and most valuable lessons in life come to you when you’re the least ready.

I’ve gained things that i once lacked but it’s also allowed me to embrace what was forgotten and that was my heart because the thing is when you give someone so much power over you who isn’t meant to have it, it’ll drain you to the point where you lose sight of who you are. I gave someone the power to make me feel ugly and i felt ugly inside for a long time, when in fact the most beautiful thing that exist within me, is my heart and I say that proudly! It took for someone to drown me day in and day out and crying out of hurt not for myself but for them because i felt sorry for them, that made me realize that again. Not even the ugly in the world could change that about me…I’m thankful for the lessons that has brought me here, i’m thankful for what was taken from me because i got something back far more greater than that.

There’s no gift greater in the world than to be able to breath again, she kinda lives.

Never let anyone steal your glow.

I hope that many of you are able to read in between the lines especially the few that can relate to my experience without me saying too much. For anyone who is going through a hard time right now for whatever reason I hope that you’re able to take the good out of it and able to heal too ❤️

Word of the day: Demisexual

Demisexuality: is a sexual orientation where people only experience sexual attraction to folks that they have close emotional connections with. In other words, demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has formed.

I wish I came across this, “specific” sexuality years ago and if I told you how and where I got it from you’d think i was crazy so I’ll save that story for another day. I’ve always been surrounded by individuals particularly women who’d either give me the side eye or the opposite who’d offer me encouragement to sleep around every time I mentioned I was sexually frustrated but refused to sleep with just anybody. I won’t sit here and pretend like I’m some sort of angel I’ve had my “fun” years ago but you get to an age when that fun is no longer fun, you get to a moment in life when you eventually love something, more like someone and even more powerful than that you experience what it is to genuinely have an emotional connection with somebody whom you eventually fall in love with and for me the sex is out of this world. I’ve been taken to the moon and back and it was beyond the stroke of the motions that had me mesmerized or the feel of his skin or the warmth of his lips it’s been all along something that I can’t quite put into words. I honestly could never put into words things i feel so deeply and It’s that deep. Let’s just say for now I’ve reached a level of better understanding as to why I am the way am …I’m 28 years old just figuring MYSELF out. When you’re passionate about everything you long for the same in return, you don’t just find that in anybody. Passion comes from emotion and you don’t get that from just sex. Sex itself? I’ve lost interest in that years ago especially when I’ve learned to master the art of finding pleasure within myself. I stopped needing a man for just that alone, i require so much more. My body not only wants to be fed, but so does my mind. I can’t feed my body if my minds being starved. Now that I’ve become aware that Demi sexuality exist I can finally accept that maybe nothing’s wrong with me, maybe I’m not broken, maybe I’m not that different and just maybe there are other people like myself. It use to make me feel a certain way when girls and guys bragged about sleeping with someone whom they could care less about and I’d ask myself why has it been so hard for me to just do that. It’s as simple as the definition, I’m not and I can’t become sexually attracted to someone who I don’t have an emotional connection with especially when that’s something I crave more than anything, i crave things I don’t find too often.

Have you ever slept with someone whom you no longer had feelings for and the sexual experience wasn’t the same? Or maybe with someone who you didn’t care as much for… Ever wondered why ? Isn’t sex just sex? Well maybe it’s because an-emotional connection no longer exist or was never there in the first place. I definitely have been there and it’s disappointing but funny more than anything else to think it was amazing to me at one point or maybe my urges overpowered what I really longed for…idk! It really makes you wonder how much our emotions effect us on a daily basis and how often we let it control us when we have little to no control. Let me know your thoughts.