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How do I allow myself to feel again?

…Thought after thought of how I’ve had to glue myself back together, i was broken. The glass is barely intact, I’m barely holding on. How do you move forward with that?

Nobody really cares about your sad story and or how they become this new chapter in your life, giving a fragment of hope as we turn the page as we think to ourselves maybe this one will be better.

Maybe this is how my story ends…happy?

Sometimes it feels like every page of your past is ripped to shreds and a new one begins almost similar to the last.

The hardest part about coming back from that is knowing that you have to do it again …in order to love and be loved you have to be the rawest form of yourself. Removing brick by brick to expose your vulnerability…

When a once already broken woman breaks down her walls for you , she peals back all the layers of her strength…the strength that was built after countless nights of no sleep and where tears met her pillows. The days she woke up to become enemies with all her thoughts and memories and the hours spent alone when solitude felt like her only best friend.

…The only best friend that wouldn’t let her down.

The blessings in between the cracks.

You got to look at all the bad and the good in life and always find the blessing in between the cracks. Things happen for a reason as stupid as it sounds but it’s true and sometimes it takes days, weeks, if not years to finally understand…my days felt like years. It’s unfortunate what I’ve allowed myself to endure when I’ve always considered myself to be such a strong woman but i guess it just takes one time for it to become one more time and then finally you lose count. Despite it all, I’m still able to say that I am truly thankful for my shitty ass experience because it took for me to lose myself to find a person that I didn’t know could possibly exist and man let me tell you she’s built of strength!

You can ask me and I’ll tell you straight out something broke inside me and i mean that physically because that pain itself was real and it consumed every inch of my body, crippling me to the point i could not breathe…i couldn’t breathe for a long time.

Here is the blessing though that many people wouldn’t be able to accept because i certainly couldn’t at one point. What was slowly breaking me was the same thing that was building me up to be the woman that i didn’t know i was meant to be or maybe i did i just didn’t think it would be like this. What broke me has taught me to love myself and even more on the worst of worst days and yes I still have them, a lot of them actually, but i choose to love myself now because at the end of the day nobody is capable of giving me more than what i should be giving myself…nobody should and nobody should be saving me but me. I am my own responsibility.

It’s taught me patience and strength because as many times as i had every reason to lose my mind, i kept my feet planted to the floor…the best way i can put it is that there’s certain test in life you don’t want to pass because not all of them are meant to show your greatness only your failures. You win by failing these kind of test by not falling victim to people’s bullshit because you’ll meet people that will bully you for simply doing what you feel is right. I’ll admit i failed a few of them by doing exactly what was expected of me because what happens when you let your emotions get the best of you? …You already know but in the end when it came down to the most important one, I passed by simply walking away and that was the hardest thing i could ever do. I feel like i wasn’t meant to, all odds were against me, i wasn’t prepared but at the same time i guess you can say the hardest and most valuable lessons in life come to you when you’re the least ready.

I’ve gained things that i once lacked but it’s also allowed me to embrace what was forgotten and that was my heart because the thing is when you give someone so much power over you who isn’t meant to have it, it’ll drain you to the point where you lose sight of who you are. I gave someone the power to make me feel ugly and i felt ugly inside for a long time, when in fact the most beautiful thing that exist within me, is my heart and I say that proudly! It took for someone to drown me day in and day out and crying out of hurt not for myself but for them because i felt sorry for them, that made me realize that again. Not even the ugly in the world could change that about me…I’m thankful for the lessons that has brought me here, i’m thankful for what was taken from me because i got something back far more greater than that.

There’s no gift greater in the world than to be able to breath again, she kinda lives.

Never let anyone steal your glow.

I hope that many of you are able to read in between the lines especially the few that can relate to my experience without me saying too much. For anyone who is going through a hard time right now for whatever reason I hope that you’re able to take the good out of it and able to heal too ❤️